No matter which way you slice it, breakups suck. The emotional rollercoaster is intense, sliding across an array of emotions, possibly including sadness, grief, anger, hurt, insecurity, contempt, disgust, and more.
How do you handle a breakup? While you can’t magically make it not suck, you can try to be as empathetic and mature as you can be in the course of your breakup.
How to Handle a Breakup If You’re the Dumper
Be direct. The most important thing here is to be clear. You may think you’re being super nice by putting it as gently as possible, but “I think maybe I want to take some personal time” is confusing. Are you asking for a breakup or a vacation? It might sound harsh, but make sure you specify what is happening here. Otherwise, you’re opening opportunities to layer on confusion along with the pain.
Be kind. Even though you have your reasons to want to breakup, there is rarely good that comes with treating someone badly in the conversation. Don’t toss their stuff out your window, don’t call them names, and don’t use this as an opportunity to feel superior (however true you may feel it is). In a way, this frees you both: you from potential guilt after the fact, and them from additional injury that may make it difficult for them to move on.
Be solutions-oriented. Do they have some of your things at their house? Offer suggestions of how to return them. Are you presently living together? Have already given thought to who will move out and when. Try to alleviate any of the stress over logistics. You don’t want to force big decisions right then, but at least offer that you’ve given it some thought.
How to Handle a Breakup If You’re the Dumpee
Don’t be mean — either to them or to yourself. We know that it’s tempting to tell them all the things you don’t like, like their irritating habit of chewing with their mouth open or how they constantly lose the remote. And we also know that it can be easy to revert into thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “no one will ever love me.” But this is a good time to embrace the old adage, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” A few deep breaths will likely be your friend here.
Don’t feel pressured. You don’t need to know the right thing to say. You don’t need to figure out right this very second who your dog will live with. It’s okay to ask for time and space to think on the more logistical decisions.
Don’t beg. For many of us, our brains frantically pump the brakes. No, nope, this isn’t happening. Usually, when people beg others to change their minds, this is what’s going on. And while this is understandable, it’s important to respect the other person's decision, even if you disagree with it. They still have a right to make it.
How to Handle a Breakup After It’s Over
Give yourself some time. How long it takes to get over a breakup can vary greatly, but if it hurts a lot, it’s not going to be as fast as you would like. Be sure to be patient with yourself. Take time away from social media and reminders of your ex for a bit until it doesn’t sting quite as much.
Treat yourself well. Self-care is key. You’re hurting, and that means that you should treat yourself a bit more gently than usual.
Give yourself time to learn and reflect. After a relationship ends is a great time to turn inward and check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Did you learn anything about yourself? What might you do differently next time?
We have a breakup email series designed to help you do exactly that. We send you 100 emails over 100 days. Each email has a small task or project to help you grow. We can’t make the pain go away, but we can help you become stronger out of it.
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